Just because someone smiles all the time, doesn't mean their life is perfect and full of joy. A smile, to me, is a symbol of hope. A simple reminder to myself that I'm am stronger than the anxiety and darkness that creeps around at the back of my mind. Today, I find that no matter how much I try to smile I cannot get it to stay and it creeps away with sigh.
I must be true to myself and give value to these other emotions that linger. It's okay to feel sad, anxious, tired, sorrowful, or any of the not-so-fun feelings. Accepting that is part of my journey and I understand that, and I appreciate that now when I feel those not-so-fun feelings I can reflect on them and know that I'm being mindful of their presence.
Somedays I feel like my mind is rebelling against me. I suppose that it is a common feeling among those of us who struggle with depression, anxiety, or any troubles of the mind. Recently (like for the last year...) I've been using the phrase "I'm just tired" to answer the questions of "How are you?" when I ran into friends. It was true, but not in the surface meaning of the phrase.
For a long time I've felt out of place, a lack of passion for things that inspire me, and severe anxiousness when I saw anyone I even remotely knew. I felt like a sigh... I felt like I was walking on glass and dragging my feet. I got help, I was on medication which I just got done with a week ago. During New Years celebrations, I was sitting at home reflecting on how nice it is to wish someone a "Happy New Year" and decided that I needed to change and I couldn't do it alone. So, I created a post to let the social world know of my struggles.
The amount of love and compassion I've received since then has been overwhelming wonderful! It brought me to tears when people began reaching out online or when I saw them around town with words of encouragement, relatability, assistance, and friendship. (It still brings tears to my eyes) Thank you all so very much.
I knew I couldn't go through this change on my own and having friends understand what's going on in my world is the most comforting feeling. This blog is also a way to allow those friends to see what is on my mind in a way that feels a little more appropriate to me than plastering this all over Facebook.
I've been journaling a lot, noting things no matter how big or small and documenting things as I think them and allowing them to have weight on paper. I carry a journal almost everywhere I go, and I've been trying to give value to my feelings by giving them a place to live. I can write out my thoughts and get a better understanding of myself and why I feel the things I do. It's a little scary to open myself up like this so people can see my inner-brain all over the internet, AHHH!
I smile as much as I can, embracing the positive and understanding that I'm making steps toward becoming a better me. But, everyone has their limits and some days I just have to stay home and let it all out. I've appreciated all the offers to hang out with no pressure to do anything, and just "be".
I've been starting to read some Thich Nhat Hanh books. I really enjoy his thinking about mindfulness and putting value in moments without speeding onto the next thing.
"Mindfulness is not there to suppress or fight against anger, but to recognize and take care." - Thich Nhat Hanh
“Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognized, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves." - Thich Nhat Hanh
So, I've put myself on a regiment of self-care! Here's what I'm doing:
Ella time - Playing, cuddling, and dancing with my little kitten who provides me with purrs and unconditional love.
Journaling for mindfulness - Becoming aware of when I am angry, sad, anxious and what it is that is causing those feelings.
Feeding friendships - I've been doing tea dates with people in order to know more about them. To kindle a one-on-one relationship where I am working to let them know how much their friendships mean to me.
Painting/sketching - The creative pursuit of putting what is in my mind on paper.
Photo safaris - Teaching, exploring, learning. Feeding the creative part of my brain and getting myself out into the world solo or with friends.
Dancing - physically exploring the joy brought to me by solo and partnered movement to music
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